The Next Generation: Self Focused and Rude

Last week I got a phone call from a parent who was concerned about how rude and self focused his teenager was. The parent wanted advice on how to deal with this behavior. This was not a case of a parent just being overly sensitive; there really is an epidemic of rudeness and self focus sweeping the next generation.

Dr. Jean Twenge holds a Ph.D. in personality psychology from the University of Michigan. She has done extensive research on Americans between the ages of 7 and 36. From that research she has written a scholarly book entitled, GENERATION ME: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled, and More Miserable Than Ever Before. Dr. Twenge, who is herself a young adult, is quite candid when describing her generation. When referring to the young adult population in America, she says that "this generation has never known a world that put duty before self." She goes on to conclude that "this is a generation unapologetically focused on the individual, a true Generation Me." She explains that young adults do not care what others think, which explains why they are often rude. She says "because we no longer believe that there is one right way of doing things, most of us were never taught the rules of etiquette."

As we seek to help the next generation deal with their rudeness and self focus, the first question we must ask ourselves is; who made our kids so rude and self focused? Regretfully, many of us need look no further than the mirror to find the answer! Dr. Twenge says that "parents apparently decided that children should always feel good about themselves." While feeling good about themselves is not a bad goal, somewhere along the way, we forgot to tell our kids that is was important to also help others feel good about themselves. The result is that our kids say and do whatever makes them feel good at the moment and do not care how it makes others around them feel.

Even parents who have tried to instill concern for others in their kids' lives have found it increasingly difficult. Dr. Twenge correctly observes that "magazines, television talk shows, and books all emphasize the importance of high self-esteem for children, usually promoting feelings that are actually a lot closer to narcissism." Narcissism is a negative personality trait that is observed in people who have an excessive view of their own importance. While feeling good about oneself is important, when it becomes excessive, it produces bad results. Few would argue that the next generation has turned feeling good about themselves into something that is having numerous unintended negative consequences.

Parents, teachers and faith based youth ministry directors must begin to help the next generation begin to think of others. Why is it so important to teach the next generation to think of others? From a secular perspective, Twenge makes the point that there is "a mountain of research shows that people who have good relationships with other people are happier and less depressed. We develop our sense of ourselves primarily from interacting with others." It is impossible to build healthy relationships when we are rude and only think of ourselves. Rudeness and self focus lead to a series of broken relationships and a lifetime of hurt. Many young adults complain that they do not have a good friend they can really trust. How can they have such a friend when they are always rude to those around them and hurt the people they consider their friends? If we want the next generation to have a happy life, we must help them learn to think of others so they can build meaningful relationships with others.

From the Christian perspective, we might consider Philippians 2:3-4, "Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interest of others (HCSV)." Those of us who work with the next generation in a church context have a Biblical mandate to help those future leaders understand how important it is to care about others' feelings. The very nature of "church" is about caring for those around us and taking actions that make our world a better place. If we allow an entire generation to miss that important spiritual lesson, our world is going to become a very bad place in which to live. While we do not want to take aware a healthy sense of self, we also do not want to contribute to an already inflated view of self that has become negative. Teaching Christian concern for others to the next generation is one way to help that generation have a good sense of self as well as a healthy concern for others.

Obviously this is something we need to talk to the next generation about, but more important than talk, is action. We must model politeness and caring for others in our own lives. If we are rude, how can we expect our kids to be polite? If we are self focused, how can we expect our kids to care about others? We must model the behavior we want our children to follow. When our actions match our words, our kids will learn how to behave in ways that will help them build healthy relationships with others and have a happy productive life.

The next time that sharp remark makes its way to our lips, we might want to think before we speak and put our faith into practice as a way to set an example for the young people watching us. When we plan our personal schedules, set our family budgets and make all the normal daily decisions of life, we might want to consider how our actions affect those around us. As the next generation sees us modeling concern for others and politeness in our relationships, they will learn how to be healthier themselves.

The Importance of Pronouns

I just read a fascinating article in the February 25, 2012 issue of World magazine. The article discussed the issue of self-focus. It was based on research by James Pennebaker, who writes for Harvard Business Review. Pennebaker used a sophisticated computer system to study 400,000 written items. He discovered that people who use “I” statements a lot are so self-focused that they may actually have underlying psychological issues. To quote the article, “Pronouns tells us where people focus their attention. If someone uses the pronoun I, it’s a sign of self-focus.” He went on to conclude that “depressed people use the word I much more often than emotionally stable people.” Pennebaker also noted that people who committed suicide had the word I far more often in their poems and letters than other poets and writers.

As our society has become more self-focused, we have become less emotionally healthy. Perhaps instead of being so focused on what we want out of life, we might begin to ask what others need. As we learn to turn out attention away from ourselves and toward helping others, we will find our life has more purpose, fulfillment and joy. Perhaps that is what Jesus was trying to tell us in Luke 6:31 “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

Read my other post on a similar subject: Self-Focused and Rude

Read about the danger of "I" statements in sermons: I Versus You Syndrome

Using Jesus Focused Statements in Evangelism

In my previous post we discussed the importance of avoiding the “I versus you” syndrome (read that post here). As we continue that discussion in this post, we should point out that when we share our own faith journeys, one way to avoid displaying an I versus you attitude is to keep the focus on Jesus and how He changed us instead of on how we helped ourselves through willpower or positive thinking.

Many people who do not consider themselves to be Christians still have a deep respect for Jesus. Therefore, they are interested in what Jesus did in our lives. Staying focused on Jesus is also more biblical. Jesus said in John 12:32, “As for Me, if I am lifted up from the earth I will draw all people to Myself ” (HCSB). If we want people to come to Jesus, we need to lift up Jesus by focusing our discussions on Him. Though we may be sharing real stories of how Christ changed our lives, the focus will remain on Jesus, not on us.

Here is an example of a self-focused statement:

“I was unfaithful to my wife on a number of occasions. I wanted to save my marriage, so I looked deep inside myself and saw a lot of attitudes I did not like. I began to work on those issues. I now have a much better relationship with my wife.”

Notice how often the word I is used and how God does not get any of the credit for the speaker’s improved relationship with his wife? It gives the impression that the speaker did it all on his own.

A Jesus-focused statement might be something like this:

“I was unfaithful to my wife on a number of occasions. The Lord began to deal with me about how He might help me save my marriage. Jesus began to show me a lot of stuff that was buried deep within me that had never been dealt with. As the Lord began to deal with each of these issues, my relationship with my wife greatly improved.”

This statement describes the same situation, but in this version, the Lord receives the credit for making the difference. In the first kind of statement, the speaker is taking the credit for himself. But if we were honest, we would have to admit that the second example is more realistic. We should give the Lord credit for doing His work in our lives. It is important when we are witnessing to share our journey of faith by focusing on how Jesus has helped us.

Adapted from Dr. Dorsett’s book, Mission Possible: Reaching the Next Generation through the Small Church, published by CrossBooks, a division of Lifeway Christian Resources.

 

Focusing Our Minds on Christ

Notes from my 3/9/2014 sermon at Faith Fellowship, West Hartford, CT.

The Apostle Paul wrote a letter to the believers in Colossae to help them resist the influence of world. Part of that resistance is to shift our focus to Christ.

Colossians 3:1-11

¹ If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.³ For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. ⁵ Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. ⁶ On account of these the wrath of God is coming. ⁷ In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. ⁸ But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. ⁹ Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices ¹⁰ and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. ¹¹ Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all.

Verse 1 - If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.

•               Everything Paul says in this scripture only applies to those who genuinely have been saved from their sins through faith in Christ.

•               Therefore Paul begins with the word “If.”

•               So much of scripture only applies to those who are believers so it is of paramount importance that we make sure we are genuine believers in Christ.

•               Paul reminds us that IF we are genuine believers in Christ, then we should be seeking “things that are above.”

•               What does “things that are above” mean?

Verse 2 - Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

•               Notice the change from "seek" in verse 1 to "set your minds" in verse 2.

•               This emphasizes the mental reorientation which new life in Christ requires.

•               Paul uses the Greek word phronein (φρονεῖν) for the phrase “set your minds.”

•               This word conveys the idea of devoting our whole mental activity to something, not just occasionally thinking about it.

•               When we first begin to feel God tugging at our hearts, we begin to seek spiritual connection with Him.

•               But once we find it, then we must set our minds on strengthening that spiritual connection for the rest of our lives.

•               There are far too many Christians who are satisfied with just being saved. They do not realize that we are saved to SERVE and to continually DEEPEN our walk with Christ.

•               If setting our minds on God means we have devoted our mental activity on Him all the time, not just occasionally, how do we realistically do that while we live real lives in a real world that could care less about Jesus?

Verse 3 - For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

•               For us to be able to set our minds on the things of God, we must die to self. This is much harder than it sounds because we tend to like ourselves a lot.

•               That is why Paul also talks about our lives being hidden in Christ. The Greek word for hidden is krypto (κρύπτω), which means to escape notice.

•               Though our sins are many, while we are learning to die to self, those sins have escaped God’s notice because we are in Christ, that is what GRACE is all about. Thank God for GRACE!

•               Not only has God forgiven our sins, but when our lives are hidden in Christ, when God looks at us, He sees Christ instead of us. Oh, what a glorious thought!!!!

•               We may feel unworthy of both forgiveness and of this gift of Christ-likeness, and indeed, we are all unworthy, but that is what GRACE is all about.

•               We  should not take GRACE for granted, but thank God for it every day and seek to live worthy of this wonderful gift we have been given.

Verse 4 - When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

•               Theologically, this verse is referring to the return of Christ.

•               When Christ comes back, we will be caught up into glory with Him.

•               But there is an application that can be made apart of the theological meaning.

•               Many people live their entire lives seeking glory, fame, prestige, respect, or honor for themselves. They live under the constant pressure of that endless pursuit of glory.

•               As Christians we must get off of that high pressure road to self-glory and instead seek the glory of Christ in our lives.

•               When people begin to see Christ in us, something amazing happens, we finally find the respect we sought all along.

•               The great majority of Christians will never be famous, but as we live for the glory of Christ, we quietly change the world and will be remembered by those who come after us as being part of something big that God did.

Verse 5 - Put to death therefore what is earthly in you:

•               Part of living for the glory of Christ is learning to put to death the things in our lives that take away from Christ’s glory.

•               Verses 5-9 list examples of some of the things we need to get rid of in our lives.

•               Lists like this help us think of specific attitudes or actions we should try to eliminate from our lives.

•               But we must not focus on the list itself, because another person could make a completely different list that would be just as valid.

•               It is not that we should ignore such lists, but the point Paul is making is that if we set our minds on Christ, then such lists will automatically be dealt with in our lives.

Verse 10 - . . . put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator

•               Paul is trying to shift our focus from the bad things we should not do, to the good things that God wants us to do.

•               We often get hung up on lists of dos and don’ts, when we should be trying to have a renewed knowledge of Christ.

•               We cannot have a renewed knowledge of Christ if we know little about Christ.

•               WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) sounds great, but for far too many of us, we do not have a clue what Jesus would do because we have not invested enough time learning about and focusing on the life of Christ.

•               As we learn about the life of Christ, our minds are renewed and out of that sense of renewal, we can change our behaviors and actions to be more like Christ.

Verse 11 - Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all.

•               The church in Colossae included people from a wide variety of backgrounds.

•               It was very easy to focus on people’s backgrounds instead of their position in Christ.

•               The ground is level of the foot of the cross and as we focus on Christ alone, our backgrounds and social status melt away.

•               In the end, Christ is all that matters, so let us focus our minds on Him and watch our lives change as we do something BIG for God.

Conclusion:

•               We must make sure we are genuine Christians in order for the spiritual life to be of any benefit.

•               We must focus our minds on Christ in order to become what God wants us to be.

•               We must thank God for His grace as our sins are hidden in Christ and the righteousness of Christ rests on us while we get our minds focused.

•               We must learn as much as we can about Christ and turn all the glory back to Him in order to do something big for God.

Network Engagement

We were sitting at a table in a local coffee shop when the young pastor asked me point blank, "How can your organization help my church?" It was not an usual question. In fact, in my role as the Executive Director of one of 43 Southern Baptist regional conventions, I hear this question often.

To be honest, I have mixed feelings about the question. I absolutely believe that networks like our regional convention exist for the churches, not the other way around. If those networks are not serving churches, they really don't deserve to exist. From that perspective, this is a valid question. But I am concerned that the question also reveals an underlying problem. Are churches now so self-focused that they will no longer support missionary efforts unless there is something in it for them? Have churches lost their passion and vision for working together with other like-minded churches to accomplish great things for God? These concerns haunt my thinking when I hear a pastor ask what the network can do for their individual church.

Being part of a larger network should be about more than what a church gets out of it. It should also be about what affiliated churches can contribute to it. Churches must have a more Kingdom focus if we are to ever reach New England, America and the world with the Gospel. Just as asking what advantage being connected to our network is to an individual church, it is also valid for our network to ask local churches "What can your church do to move the mission of our network forward?" If a particular church just wants to take from the larger group without any real meaningful contribution to it, what motivation does the network have for establishing or maintaining the relationship? Real partnership is a mutual effort where two groups who view themselves as equals work together toward mutually beneficial goals. Just as my organization must seek to care for the churches, churches must seek the good of the network in order to expand the Kingdom in ways their church cannot do in their own. Churches can support the ministry of the larger network through focused prayer, providing ministry leadership and expertise to the larger group, hosting meetings for the larger network or other churches within the network that lack facilities, giving generous financial support so all the needs in the network family can be met, or some combination of all of these things.

Imagine if an individual church member would only join a local church, or remain connected to it, if the church agreed to meet all of their personal needs? Imagine if an individual church member always made demands of the local church but contributed either nothing or very little in the way of time, volunteerism or financial donations to the church? At some point the local church would be unable to meet such an individual’s growing demands. If enough church members made such demands, while refusing to do their part, the church would struggle, perhaps even cease to exist.

The same thing is true for networks of churches like the regional convention I lead. When individual churches require ever growing services from the network but offer less and less engagement, it becomes a downward spiral that does not end well. For a local church to be healthy, it must not only ask what is in it for them. Churches must also ask what they can bring to the table to advance the cause of Christ through the network they are part of.

It can be hard to find the right balance. It is something leaders like me struggle with on a regular basis. But if we are to find the proper balance we must start asking the question from both sides of the coffee table. Otherwise, either side becomes narcissistic and forgets the sense of real community our mutual faith in Christ should produce.

--------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Terry W. Dorsett has been a pastor, church planter, denominational leader and author in New England for more than 20 years. He is a happy husband, a proud father and adoring grandfather. He is a cancer survivor and believes that God works powerfully through times of suffering. He writes extensively and you can find all of his books at:

 http://www.amazon.com/Dr.-Terry-W.-Dorsett/e/B00405U4NY

Tolerance is Overrated

For many years churches were known for what they were against. This negative position often turned off non-believers. Many people felt being "against" stuff was partly responsible for why some churches were no longer growing. Such churches were accused of being intolerant of others and since intolerance has become the greatest "sin" of our postmodern culture, churches became "bad" in the minds of many people.

In the last ten years, many church leaders have seen the weakness of only being known for what they are against. Many Christian leaders have restyled their message in a positive way. They look for ways to talk about what they are for instead of what they are against. Instead of being "against abortion," churches are now "for" adoption and helping single moms. Instead of being "against' alcoholism, they are "for" helping people celebrate recovery. Instead of being "against" same sex marriage, churches are now "for" traditional marriage. Instead of telling their parishioners to boycott a particular company, they tell them to buy chicken sandwiches from a specific fast food chain.

This positive way of expressing a biblical viewpoint is beginning to impact how people "in the middle" think of the church. Many people have not thought through the issues themselves and rely on someone else to tell them what to think. Because most people prefer to be for something, instead of against something, that group in the middle was not attracted to the negative positions that many churches previously offered. Now that many churches have changed the way they talk about the issues, the massive middle finds that it actually agrees with the church on many issues after all. The positions themselves have not changed much, just the way those positions are expressed.

Though the people in the middle may appreciate the church's more tolerant way of expressing their views, the radical left does not. If anything, it has made those on the far left even more angry and hateful toward Christians. Perhaps those on the far left realize their positions are weak and self-focused. They only way the radical left could promote their weak ideas has been on the back of someone whom they made the "enemy." Now that the enemy has become the hero, the radical left must become even more vicious in order to draw an ever shrinking number from the middle to their bizarre views.

In a recent exchange with a friend on the far left, I expressed surprise at how bigoted and intolerant his views were about Christians. After all, for years he has told me to be "more tolerant." But in a clear case in which he was showing bigotry toward Christians simply because they were "for" a cause he did not like, I pressed him on his own lack of tolerance. His response was, "Tolerance is overrated." Thus revealing his true feelings about tolerance.

The far left has no plans to practice toward others the tolerance they have preached for so many years. Instead, they will increasingly become known as Christo-phobic, anti-Christian, anti-god, hate mongers. I say, let them win the "anti" war. We already know all that will gain them is a loss of the middle and a marginalization of their ideas. To my friends on the left, "hate" away. I am still for all things good and wholesome.

Boasting in Christ Alone

A sermon developed by Dr. Terry Dorsett based on Galatians 6:12-17.

Introduction:
•             Galatians was written by the apostle Paul to churches that he had started to reach non-Jews.
•             Some Jewish Christians told the non-Jewish believers that they had to follow all the Old Testament laws and Jewish traditions in order to be real Christians.
•             Paul made it clear that salvation is by FAITH in Christ alone and not through religious activities or rituals.

Verse 12 - Those who want to make a good impression in the flesh are the ones who would compel you to be circumcised—but only to avoid being persecuted for the cross of Christ.

•             Many people are focused on making good impressions in front of others.
•             When making an impression is our focus, we are often compelled to do things that we would otherwise not do.
•             This even happens in the church, such as the case of circumcision.
•             Though circumcision had spiritual value to the Jews as a sign of their covenant with God, it had no spiritual value to the non-Jews who were not God’s chosen people.
•             Some Jews were trying to force non-Jewish believers into being circumcised just so they could boast about it.
•             The Jews who were promoting this loved the Law more than they loved the Savior behind the Law.
•             It is amazing what people are willing to do if pressured into it.
•             Religion, when used wrongly, can be a very powerful control factor over others.
•             There are some spiritual leaders who are more interested in controlling their flock than shepherding it.
•             Those types of leaders will always lead the flock down roads of false spirituality.
•             If someone does not speak up, those paths will only lead to disaster for both individuals and churches.

Verse 13 - For even the circumcised don’t keep the law themselves; however, they want you to be circumcised in order to boast about your flesh.

•             Paul pointed out that people who are overly image focused do not keep their own rules, but they sure want others to keep them.
•             People who are focused on making a good outward impression while ignoring big issues going on behind the scenes are living a double life, which is very unhealthy.
•             If we spend all of our energy trying to look good in public while our lives are a mess, we feel terrible about ourselves regardless of how we look.
•             Therefore, we are tempted to try to fix everyone else’s issues so we do not have to think about our own.
•             We may even boast about helping others because it makes us feel better about our two-faced life.

Verse 14 - But as for me, I will never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. The world has been crucified to me through the cross, and I to the world.
•             Paul had learned not to boast about his image as a Jewish religious leader because maintaining that image had forced him to do some terrible things.
•             Remember, Paul was a Jewish zealot who persecuted the Christian church before his conversion. Paul talks about this in Philippians 3:4-8.
•             Paul had a pedigree that made him look good.

•             But his past pedigree became a predatory parasite when he trusted in it for spiritual direction.

•             In Acts 9 Paul got knocked off his high horse on the Damascus road and he realized that his pedigree would not produce prosperous spirituality. Paul learned not to boast in his own greatness.
•             Paul realized all he could boast about was the cross.

We Can Boast about the Cross Because

•             Through the cross of Christ we are free from the guilt of the law, which is good since we constantly fail to keep the law.
•             Through the cross of Christ we rejoice that we no longer desire to live for self but to live for Christ who died for us.
•             Through the cross we discover the ability to walk in love toward Christ and toward others while offering ourselves as living sacrifices.
•             Through the cross of Christ we find comfort, not only in the troubles we experience in this life, but also in the death of the saints. For we sorrow not as those who have no hope and we comfort others as we have been comforted.
•             Through the cross of Christ we observe with reverence the most perfect example of patience, meekness and willingness in suffering. This urges us to run with patience the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the Author and Finisher of our faith.
•             Through the cross of Christ we find the strength to fight against the prince of darkness because it was on that cross that Christ crushed the head of the serpent and emerged the victor over the dark domain.
•             Through the cross of Christ we find eternal life in the presence of a holy God.
•             We can boast in all of these things through the cross, but without the cross our boasting would turn to mourning as we realized we have no freedom, no rejoicing, no walking in love, no comfort, no perfect example to follow, no strength against the evil one, no hope of eternal life.
•             Let us rejoice in the cross!

Verse 15 - For both circumcision and uncircumcision

•             Paul points out that from a spiritual perspective, whether a man had been circumcised or not meant nothing.
•             What should have mattered to the non-Jewish believers in Paul’s day was that they had been born again of the Spirit and had become new creations in Christ.
•             As we relate this to our modern culture, our salvation does not depend on whether we make a good impression at church or not.
•             What matters is that we have become a new creation and have been born again.
•             If we have not yet been born again, then nothing else matters until we get that settled!

Verse 16 - May peace come to all those who follow this standard, and mercy to the Israel of God!
•             Once we settle the question of our salvation, then a peace comes upon us that is impossible to explain to someone who has not yet experienced it.
•             We often lack a sense of peace because we know we cannot meet the standard of perfection that is required to be close to a Holy God.
•             That focus on “being perfect” robs us of the peace we want in our lives and creates constant stress from trying to be perfect all the time.
•             When we realize that our focus should be on loving Christ instead of impressing others through religious activities, we suddenly find great peace because that standard is so much easier to meet.

Verse 17 - From now on, let no one cause me trouble, because I bear on my body scars for the cause of Jesus.
•             Paul’s body bore physical scars that he had received from the many beatings and imprisonments he had suffered for his faith.
•             Those scars most likely made him unsightly to look at.
•             Paul was never going to impress anyone with his outward appearance.
•             But that did not matter to Paul because he was more concerned with loving and following Jesus than how he looked outwardly to others.
•             Paul had progressed in his spiritual walk enough to have lifted his eyes off the mundane things of this world and set them on Jesus. What an example for us to follow!

Conclusion:

•             People who are overly focused on their outward image will also try to force other people into doing things that are not needed.
•             This even happens in the church and can lead to spiritual abuse if we do not stand against it.
•             We must accept the reality that all our boasting is vain except for the cross.
•             If we have not yet been born again, we will have no peace in our lives nor hope for eternity until we come to the cross of Jesus.